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17 March 2008 @ 06:55 pm
Suicide is Painless; It's the Other Baggage that Gets on Everyone's Nerves  
This is the beginnings of finding my mind . . . my strengths . . . and my soul.

To die serves no purpose, except to remove me from the outcome of situations in which I didn't first wish to be. I created these messes; now I must gain the courage and fortitude to overcome them on my own. From here, my future only looks in two paths: the end or an uncertain future. The uncertain future is fearsome, but I wish to persevere. I believe my life is improving, my emotions are becoming stronger and my desire for success is tangible and existing.

Does the being best known as god, is s/he even aware of what my needs are? What aid I need from him/her? The guidance? The strength? The help? All that I need from the being comes from myself, but how do I find the part of myself from which it comes. Do prayers and supplications work? Why are the prayers of the one person heard over the cries and supplications of another? Is it the heart? Is it a recognition? Is it faith?

Do I have faith? I don't know. Not in the standard form. But my spirituality is sound, even if it's ignored. I worry that my decision to end life -- even though it's only speculative -- will leave more problems than it will solve. I just wish I could make all those who think me to be wrong . . . I wish I could talk to you all, and explain, rationalize, at least allow you to understand my emotions, so that you judge me not as a loon, but as a human who has reached the end of her capabilities, and sees no future for herself..

Being a solitary, such talk never falls into any standard speech from a religious figure. Where can one speak with an enlightened being: a liberal Jew; a liberal Jesuit; a pagan Quaker; a worldly Religious Scientist; an open-mined Unitarian?

I don't know to whom I ask for help. Frankly, I don't know to whom I'm asking, but there must be someone out there who has found their own salvation, who might be willing to share their knowledge with another sister who could sure as heck use the help
 
 
 
laura_holt_pilaura_holt_pi on March 18th, 2008 03:25 am (UTC)
If a Christian druid is any use, here I am.

I've come close to suicide at times. No-one who hasn't can ever really know what it's like. It's not a hatred of life or a longing for death, but just the longing to stop a torment that can no longer be endured and sometimes, too, a desire not to be a burden to those we love. Fortunately for me, I also thought of the problems my death would cause. It's no exaggeration to say that I was once held to this life only by the thought that my elderly employer at the time would have been lost without me.

For a long time, I thought I was unable to live the life I had been given. I thought depression was the sign of my weakness. Now I see that I had built too many walls to keep the world out and the depression was the only thing strong enough to break them. I consider it now one of the greatest blessings of my life, but at the time, it hurt.

Don't think about the future right now. Just decide to live today. Do the same tomorrow. Just keep on choosing to live. Depression ends. All you have to do is outlive it.

If I can help in any way, let me know.
Dash O'Pepperpfeffermuse on March 18th, 2008 03:17 pm (UTC)
Apologies
I should know better than to attempt to write when I've taken my meds: the brain is jumbled; the words can barely take form; and the fingers are useless for finding the keys. So, whatever I write is sure to be a rambling, incoherent mess.

Your response is exactly how I feel: it's neither life nor death that's the primary motivator. It's wanting to end the unnamed pain and to stop being a burden on those I love.

It does help to read the words of others who have lived through this situation, survived and triumphed over it. Your courage gives me hope that I can do the same.

Thank you for your kind words of support; and I'll try to take things moment by moment.
Dash O'Pepper: Clara Bow - Default 3 (colour)pfeffermuse on March 18th, 2008 06:45 am (UTC)
If a Christian druid is any use, here I am.

While the two seem out of place, I’m sure thev overlap at a variety of necessary points

I've come close to suicide at times. No-one who hasn't can ever really know what it's like. It's not a hatred of life or a longing for death, but just the longing to stop a torment that can no longer be endured and sometimes, too, a desire not to be a burden to those we love. Fortunately for me, I also thought of the problems my death would cause. It's no exaggeration to say that I was once held to this life only by the thought that my elderly employer at the time would have been lost without me.

That was me, making up my will, leaving my fannish materials to those who could find use for them.

For a long time, I thought I was unable to live the life I had been given . . .

For me, it was every time that something came my way, familial problems thew me off course, and made me the family doormat. It suddenly became my lot to place the family on an even keel. It allowed those members of the family who placed me in the role of caretaker to a continue having an unpaid slavey.

I know what that wall is like. For me, it's kept me protected from familial machinations, but did little in allowing me the freedom and choice in making my own decisions -- whether those decisions were good bad or otherwise.

Walls have been my greatest asset and my securest feature. For the most part, they're impervious to pain, but that doesn’t stop the pain of my wanting to running away, just get as far as way as I can without anyone knowing me.

If I can help in any way, let me know.

Thank you. You have in more ways than you know.

ETA Except for the most egregious spelling and grammar errors, I'm leaving this the way I originally replied. Though it was written while under the effects of one of my meds (when I should not have been at the keyboard), it does reveal that the pain of my family issues runs a lot deeper than I thought, having believed it to be long past and forgotten.


Edited at 2008-03-18 03:23 pm (UTC)